Maybe just Rex

GLORY GLORY

2009-10-31T00:44:06Z

Atheist roadtrip, what up

Boyfriend and I would totally whip up an HEATHENMOBILE and drive over just to see Dawkins, but! Peter Singer! I dislike him! I am of the opinion that philosophers should not bleat on about animal ethics when they are not in an animal field and have rarely worked with them; I am also of the opinion that they should shut up before I headbutt them.

I love animals, I want to work with them all my life, I want to make positive changes for them. So imagine, if you will, how goofy a fourteen-year-old me must have been. Vegetarianism! Animal rights! Wanting to grow up so I could bust pigs out of battery conditions!

And even then, I threw Singer's book away and dismissed it as pure tripe. Derp.

I do not think I will go; I get my RDI of rage by reading the proscribed "we shouldn't kill kangaroos they are an icon it is bad!!' texts for uni. :T

Bernard had a bad shed (tropical python in a temperate climate = >:|), and there's only thing for it: spray bottles, a nice warm day, and lots of small delicate work.

THE SUBJECT

This is his happy face.

This is his unhappy face. This is about as unhappy as Baz ever gets; he is an absolute pillow of a creature.

Olive pythons have tiny scales. This makes them feel amazing compared to other snakes (high 60s compared to high 40s), but it means that when they shed badly, it is like dealing with a thousand tiny flakes of malevolent confetti.

Derr.

Making a very slow break for it.

Smooches

Pose pose

THAT'S ALL

AN APE WILL DIE ON EVERY PAGE

2009-10-30T11:22:22Z

The weather is absolutely delicious! Summer has breezed in, and the air is warn and airy, and full of the smell of mown grass and sunscreen. A quick whip-through the markets at lunch procured a bunch of wondrously fragrant mangos, freshly-made red bean buns, and some camel for tea. Work is slow and easy, my end-of-year assignment is ticking along nicely, and everything is just... nice!

The cherry on top: Valve are being big dorks again. Free surprise comics! In-character blog posts! And HALLOWEEN FUN

IF YOU DEFINE HALLOWEEN FUN AS "EVERY CHARACTER NOW DOES THE THRILLER DANCE". ALSO: "WHILE WEARING PAPER BAGS WITH SCARY FACES DRAWN ON".

AND I DO

The new temporary Halloween map is hilarious, and I cannot tell what is the best. Watching half your team run squeaking away from a ghost? Seeing a Spy gut a Scout to steal his candy swag, celebrating with an impromptu dance? I have never laughed harder at a FPS. Not even the one where you could run around as a gigantically bobble-headed Alan Cumming, slapping people to death.

kasekuchen kasekuchen kasekuchen

2009-10-20T12:57:26Z

RECIPE TIME. I like things that are hearty, solid, and can easily survive being thrown together by someone who has no respect for recipes or accurate measures. I also wanted to bake a lovely cheesecake. These things do not mix! OR DO THEY? ...YEAH, THEY TOTALLY DO.

KASEKUCHEN:

CRUST:
1 1/2 cups gluten-free flour (I guess you can use normal flour if you're not in the awesome GF crew? WHY DON'T YOU GO EAT SOME BREAD OR SOMETHIN', GLUTEY MCWHEATPANTS)
2 eggs
1 stick of butter (100g-ish)
Pinch of baking powder
3/4 cup sugar
Lemon zest to taste

FILLING:
1 cup quark or cottage cheese. Quark is a lot smoother, but I almost prefer the chunkiness of cottage cheese. It is up to you!
1 cup sugar
5 eggs
200ml cream
Lemon juice (as much as you fancy)

OPTIONAL THINGS TO CHUCK ON TOP OF THIS BEAUT:
Cinnamon
Almonds
Iunno, I've seen some people use fruit? I bet that works too!

OKAY MAGGOTS HERE'S WHAT TO DO:

CRUST:

Preheat your oven to, like, 180C. Since it is a cheesecake, some people suggest putting a water bath in there for even cooking. That is complicated! I take a 'survival of the fittest' tack when it comes to cooking, and it has served me well so far.
Soften the butter, mix in your eggs and some lemon zest. I like it lemony as hell, and usually use the zest of one biggish lemon. It is up to you!

Add in the dry ingredients for the crust. This turns out like dough if you're using normal flour, but GF flour is a lot drier, and it turns out like sticky, crumbly, biscuitty bits. No matter! It smells delicious!

Throw that mother into a springform, and make a crust! The GF mix will have to be pressed together firmly to stick, but do not mind.

FILLING:

If you're using cottage cheese, rinse it thoroughly. If you're using quark, do not! It will all disappear down the drain. Don't ask me how I know this. Either way, get as much liquid as you can off of them. For cottage cheese, moosh it a bit with a spoon until it's smoothish.

Separate five eggs. Mix the yolks with the cream, lemon juice, sugar, and cottage cheese/quark.

Beat the whites into stiff peaks. This sucks. Whites suck. Fuck you, whites.

Once you've whipped those peaks up, fold those suckers into the yolky concoction. DA NAAA: Filling!

Pour it into the crust and whack some almonds or cinnamon or whatever takes your fancy on top. I think cinnamon goes well with the lemon!

Perhaps there is some secret step to do here in order to make it not look quite so fugly. This knowledge is outside of my skill.
Throw that sucker into the oven for about an hour, or until sufficiently non-jiggly. The science of cheesecake jiggle is a difficult one! I like to leave it in there for an extra hour or two to let it set a bit more, and have had good results with then putting it in the fridge over night.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: AWESOMENESS.

I have no photos because I was rushing the last time I made it (start to oven time: 35 minutes, woo). You do not want pictures, anyway; it looks a bit like arse. But! So delicious, and not as sickly-sweet as a lot of cheesecakes!

Recipe nabbed from here!

A CUTE BABY THING UNDER THE CUT

2009-10-13T04:30:20Z

Oh hey, I got a distinction for my Woma management plan. I think that means I should be able to buy tax-deductible pythons as study aids. The government seems to disagree.

On the fauna survey, a whole bunch of baits kept going missing without anything triggering the trap. We set up some movement-activated infrared cameras to catch the bandits in action, and I got the shots back today. Perhaps you would like to see?

Fuck, rumbled from the get-go.

NOT THAT THEY CARE

STEP 1: NOTICE CAMERA

STEP 2: DON'T CARE

oh hey a native australian bush staffy

BLEE

fyi pipeline is made of 100% pure butt

2009-10-13T04:26:59Z

Although FPS games have a bad rep for being being full of jerks, I've never copped any sort of flak in TF2. Perhaps because I do not use mics! UNTIL YESTERDAY, WHEN I DID

Local S.Aussie server: PIPELINE PIPELINE PIPELINE
kaatsu: FUCK
kaatsu: HELLO THERE, AMERICAN SERVER WHICH IS NOT PLAYING PIPELINE
A rapid stream of incomprehensibly thickly-accented American: MURMBLE MURMBLE MURBLE KAATSU
kaatsu: YES?
Americans: MURMBLE
kaatsu: WHAT
Americans: MURMBLE
kaatsu: WHATTTTTT
Americans: MURMBLEEEEE
kaatsu:
kaatsu:
kaatsu:
kaatsu: perhaps going on mic will help me communicate better
kaatsu: TALK SLOWER I CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOUR ACCENTS JEEZY CREEZY
Everybody, for like ten minutes straight: OH MY GOD AN AUSSIE A REAL ONE BE SNIPER BE SNIPER PLEASE SAY SOMETHING FUNNY PLEASE C'MON C'MON MATE MATE MATE

CUTEST HARASSMENT EVER :3c

A comprehensive and in-depth thousand-word review on Everything is Illuminated, the book:

2009-10-05T06:53:35Z

Around Alex's last letter, it was just like -- ponk! Out fell my heart.

THOUGH I AM CONFUSED ON ONE POINT i.e. there was a thread on fandom secrets the other day where people were all "aww, I like to imagine that there was something between Alex and Jonathan!" &c, but I thought that was the whole point? That Alex loved Jonathan, and Jonathan kept writing horrible, bleak things, on the idea of not being able to love? I was not sure, as it was so lovely and heart-wrenching, I thought I must have just slash-goggled it, but it seemed that that was what was there? In any event, fix-it fic goes on my Yuletide wishlist. :<

a home for forgetful dogs

2009-10-03T15:55:09Z

What is up, ladies? I have spent the last week up a mountain, helping run a few hundred traps for fauna surveying! The next mountain over was all capped in snow, and deer and rabbits bounded through the forests as we walked. I have never used a sleeping bag before, let alone got up at 5am to check bat traps. It was an experience! A cold, uncomfortable, awkward experience!

THINGS I HAVE LEARNT:
-Antechinuses bite like motherfuckers
-The more irritated microbats get, the cuter they are. Snarling vampire mouths are adorable when they are one centimetre wide. :3
-Nothing spices up a morning expedition like being told by a ranger that he has set up dog traps somewhere within your transect zone
-Similarly, nothing makes for excitement and adventure like falling into blackberry bushes with no pants on. I now have the butt of a de Sade heroine.

Here are some pictures of the bush!

Disturbed sclerophyll (no understory from grazing)

Untouched sclerophyll (ffff impossible to walk through)

Harp trap! Fishing wire is strung between struts, bats cannot echolocate wire, bats hit wire and poing off into bag beneath. A stupid, yet effective method.

Lake Hume, near Tallangatta (as the sign proudly pronounced, The Town That Moved In The 1950s!)

Tough crowd outside of Wodonga

EXCITING.

Just to continue my accidental streak of posting about awesome Ukranian things, here is a movie I quite liked!

Since my tolerance for carefully eccentric twee indie bullshit (GOOD MORNING THERE, BRAID) is dangerously low nowadays, I was a bit wary. But it is quite lovely! Also: Hutz is pretty much a big gangly puppy, and I just want to squeeze him.

SUCH SQUEEZING I WISH FOR

winner of Ukraine's Got Talent

2009-09-26T07:21:43Z

Susan Boyle can eat a bowl of dicks

I mean

THIS IS REALLY GOOD, WHAT

you know my brain is held inside by stitches

2009-09-19T15:54:10Z

Urrgh I was all packed and ready to head out the door to count bats up a mountain, but then realised that it is NEXT week. How do I skip a whole week. How. ANYWAY here are two albums I have been listening a lot to, please enjoy them!

Gogol Bordello - Super Taranta! (+ one Jewish-Ukrainian Freundschaft song, woo)
UKRANIAN GYPSY PUNK PARTY ROCK

THE BEST THING TO COME OUT OF UKRAINE BESIDES VARENYKY

AND EVEN THEN IT MIGHT BE A CLOSE THING

Beirut - Gulag Orkestar

ehhh it is Beirut, everyone knows. OHHH IIIII'M A FRENCH PEASANT, GONNA WORK UNTIL I DIIIIIE (BARUMPAPUMPUM)

a scoot

I like playing Scout; not only is it fun to careen around the map, but he automatically trash talks when you beat ass, saving me the effort of manually insulting people.

Tentaspy is a Spy who is an octopus. He is perhaps my favourite French rapist cannibal octopus to date.

SO THEN I was drawing Deidara (one-eyed explosives expert) as Demoman (one-eyed explosives expert), but that was bad so have these two instead:

Sasori would make a great Spy because they are both A) sneaky and B) highly flammable.

a fire axe is not a bloodline limit, Itachi

GREAT TO BE BACK HOME

2009-09-14T11:26:39Z

today I learnt a very interesting fact

here it is

FACT: Staffordshire Bull Terriers can go under the back wheels of vans and emerge with only a bit tongue to show for it.

aaaaaaahhhhh mother fuckkkk jeeeeessussssss aaaaaaaaagh

Nathan Explosion slipped his leash while walking past a main road. It was dark, he is black, and he immediately bolted for the other side. And immediately ran into an oncoming van. Dave ran on to the road, scooped him up, and ran for the local vets; I mostly stood there and trembled. The lady drove back and took me to the vets too.

Little bastard was fine. So fine that he walked home.

ksdjfskjd;fjk

The vet gave him painkillers for any bruising, and he is currently in my lap, stoned as a motherfucker.

kjdf;asjdf;jasd;fj!!!!!

Last year we were driving along when the car in front of us hit a bull terrier, and that one copped a full hit fine. Dave had a staffy as a kid who was hit with a VW, and in a trump of British engineering over German engineering, it did more damage to the car than vice versa.

The moral of this story is that staffies are clearly the best designed dog ever; also, complete and utter bastards sobbbb.

we have like three hours of video footage of this

2009-09-11T04:13:17Z

A LIST OF THINGS I PUT IN MY MOUTH IN JAPAN:

-Tanuki
-Viper
-Ostrich
-Wild boar
-Raw deer
-Whole raw baby firefly squids
-Bees
-Caramelised locusts
-Whale
-Pig organs
-Unfiltered sake

The whale was actually pretty bad! Sin should taste better, I think.

there better be some dead ringer all up in this joint or else

2009-09-11T04:00:07Z

I AM BACK

WE HAD A GREAT TIME

NOW SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IS HAPPENING IN CUANTA VIDA BECAUSE SERIOUSLY BAWWWWWW

grammar fail

2009-08-31T00:37:48Z

We ate a tanuki. It tastes like ham.

ALSO: in trying to explain to a new friend our adventures in Okariba, the restaurant where the owner hunts down everything on the menu himself, Jing tried to say in Japanese `we ate bees, wild boar, deer, locusts, and tanuki, with our friend Koichiro'.

What she ended up saying was 'we ate bees, wild boar, deer, locusts, and tanuki, and our friend Koichiro'.

That poor man now has such a weird view of Australians.

is there a big sis version of aniki, i need to know what to shout drunkenly

2009-08-25T00:51:40Z

Brb, taking jingdono to Japan for her birthday. It doesn't count as getting older if you're in another hemisphere!

kaatsu @ 2009-08-23T18:17:00

2009-08-23T08:47:39Z

Just finished a five thousand word species management plan on Woma pythons. Here is all you will ever need to know about Womas:

They are the goddamned goofiest looking things ever.

In other news: Translation Party!

kaatsu @ 2009-08-02T19:14:00

2009-08-02T09:44:19Z

GOM TV match for third place is tonight, ZvZ. I would have probably still been interested if the Zerg players hadn't consistently spent the last three weeks choking and going down in flames. :< Goddamnit, Effort.

Hello! I have not been very chatty lately, but here are some things I have been enjoying!

The Great Yokai War:
I was in the video store and found a DVD sporting this tagline: A kid-friendly adventure from the director of Ichi the Killer and Visitor Q. I had to see if it was as wildly inappropriate as that made it sound. Guess what? It is! God bless you, Takashi Miike, you terrifying mess of a person.

The movie starts with the hero, 10-year-old Tadashi. His parents have divorced, so he's moved to the country with his mum and his grandfather. He cries while on the phone to his big sister in Tokyo. His grandpa calls him by his dead uncle's name. "That summer," he narrates, riding his bike on a summery day, "I'd tell my first white lie, and fall in love for the first time." Twee music plays.

Then we cut to a screaming cow beating its head into a bloody pulp against a wall, giving birth to a horrible larval monster with a wizened human face. "There is going to be a great war!" the monster rattles, before dying. Its eyes burst, spilling blood down its face.

GREAT KID'S MOVIE THERE, MIIKE.

I can't decide what's worse: the scenes where little boys drag their fingers in wonder up and down the perpetually wet and shining thighs of the motherly river princess? The part where the hero's cute Pikachu-esque sidekick is turned into an evil monster and tearfully defeated, only to be turned back to its cute self by the tears of the girl-- except without healing the damage, so the cute little monster dies horribly, bleeding all over the floor? The part at the end where the hero is all grown up and can no longer see his yokai friends, and bikes off to work while his childhood friends scream for him to look at them?

UNCOMFORTABLY BIZARRE FILM, A+

Shogun:
I assume that Toshiro Mifune is everywhere. I like to believe that as soon as someone writes a script involving A Jaded Yet Kind-Hearted Samurai Down On His Luck Saving Stupid Yet Earnest Young Men from Political Machinations, they look up and he is there, sword at hand and a twinkle in his eye. All the Kurosawa I've seen: Mifune. Kihachi Okamoto films? Mifune. Picked up a VHS TV-movie special about Musashi from the local mall, and guess who had the title role? Once I turned on the TV in Japan, and there he was. So when I saw an American samurai drama in the video store, I grabbed it, on the basis that surely here would be the rarest of beasts: a samurai movie without Toshiro Mifune.

It is about a British dude who is apparently the world's first lolcat, as he spends a long time wandering around going "Is this The Japans?" The Japanese boil alive one his his crewmates, who apparently only has a vague idea of what that entails, as he sort of gives a few lame grumbles then falls asleep in the pot. Toshiro Mifune shoes up and does a sailor jig.

KILL! aka Seven Samurai Hiding in a Hidden Fortress, Take THAT, Kurosawa:
The spiritual kinship between 1950's samurai films and spaghetti westerns continues to be the best thing ever. A farmer-turned-samurai and a samurai-turned-yakuza have an excellent adventure. There is so much joy and heart in films from this era, before I got into them I totally did not expect to laugh so much while watching black and white period dramas.

Mars Attacks!:
Boyfriend had not seen this. I discovered that trying to explain this movie makes it seem like a bizarre celebrity cheese dream.

THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN MARS ATTACKS (I refuse to spoilercut for movies that are old enough to steal a car):
-The main romantic subplot occurs between Pierce Brosnan's decapitated head and Sarah Jessica Parker, whose head has been sewn onto a small chihuahua
-Michael J Fox melts
-Jack Black actually plays someone other than Jack Black
-The creepy invading alien forces turn out to be massive trolls who delight in playing "we come in peace- not!", take giant deathrays for joyrides through nursing homes, spend their downtime reading porn, and laugh and shout "don't worry, we want to be friends!" as they storm Washington and set everything on fire
-Jack Nicholson plays Jack Nicholson. Twice.
-The movie ends with Tom Jones emerging, blinking, from the safety of underground caves. An eagle flies down to perch nobly on his shoulder, and deer come to rest by his feet. He promptly launches into It's Not Unusual.
-ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK

The Leningrad Cowboys Do America:
The single most deadpan movie in existence. I have never laughed so goddamn hard at nothing at all. I can't even explain it.

Fallout 3:
I've always wanted a post-apocalyptic corpse-looting simulator! I would rave about it, but for some reason, five hours in it just started crashing randomly. Apparently this is not uncommon, even on the console versions. Fuck you, Bethesda, fix your broken shit.

My dude: awesome. Every so often I'll search for fanart of him, only to remember the problem with character-creation games. His name is Jonas, which lead to some confusion when at your birthday your dad asks you to go downstairs and see Jonas. "Oh boy," I thought, "A clone of my very own?" But alas, no. Paternal disappointment right from the get-go? This game really is immersive!

Penumbra Overture:
A well-rated survival horror game? For five bucks? Sure!

A basic flaw in my logic: I am a gigantic wuss.

My progress was halted forever when my character saw a big spider.

Let's Play Sonic 2006: Dudes decide to play a terrible, terrible game all the way through in one sitting. And make no mistake, it is an absolutely awful game. The controls rarely work. They repeatedly get stuck in walls. Sonic glitches and breakdances off of a cliff. This is the most painful thing I've ever seen.

Let's Play Commander Keen 4: Listening to Raocow talk is like going on a magical journey. A magical French-Canadian journey.

Let's Play Kaizo Mario World: Watch everything that Psychedelic Eyeball is in. Thank me later.

Also this and this are awesome. THE END.

KEKEKEAN ZERG RUSHAN GGAN

2009-07-12T07:54:52Z

IT IS SUNDAY AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

WAIT NO YOU PROBABLY DON'T

Pro StarCraft tourney, what up

It has been my Sunday Thing for the last month. A nice ritual! Tonight is the semi-finals, with Jaedong vs Effort in ZvZ. For the uninitiated, this is Jaedong:

Yeeeeaaaaah

ALSO: boyfriend turned 24! We made bread. These things may not be related.

sobbb my headcrab is all cellulitey

what is this I don't even

Also, he has started playing FF7.

so many remix goods in this fandom

2009-07-08T06:43:07Z

kaatsu @ 2009-07-01T21:57:00

2009-07-01T12:27:16Z

What is up with this warning brawl? People are cross about "having to go out of their ways" for people "too fragile for the internet"? Dudes. Dudes. It is nice to warn for erky shit, because not everyone wants to read your erky shit! Also: if you are a terrible person, warnings make it easier to find terrible things! so if you can write twenty thousand words about pop stars getting violated by medical implements, you can surely spare like a few extra to say "hello! this contains bad things.". The end.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I'm just sayin'.

kaatsu @ 2009-06-13T14:04:00

2009-06-13T05:04:06Z

Oh yeah, 24 hour comics-- the boy and I pulled an all-nighter at Casa du jingdono, though I threw in the towel at eight pages in and spent the rest of the night eating M&Ms and making fun of everyone as they slowly went mad. This is the best strategy, I think.

Please point your eyes towards Cryptopher Rabbit and the Case of the Confounding Corpse, Jing's entry, which involves murder mysteries, a certain mako-infused general, and sparkly :I vampires. If you sign in to the forums, you can read the boy's comic about Pig Pirates, too. (After uploading it, Photobucket deleted one of his pages for inappropriate content. This confused us, as his comic was PG-13. Apparently he'd drawn a hand so badly, Photobucket had thought it was a penis. That's... kind of impressive, really!)

I haven't really read many entries that weren't thrust at me over breakfast, but this one is bleee cuuute.

fictiems

2009-06-02T09:27:51Z

what is this i don't even

The experimental test subject was not being experimental.

GLaDOS looked up from rifling through old databases, just in case the subject had happened to move during the last ten minutes. She watched hopefully as the test subject cautiously leant over the hazardous waste pit, looking down into the oozing stream... then retreated to a safe distance. Again.

Concern for bodily safety. Such inconvenience.

"Aperture Science wishes to remind you that swimming after eating is unwise. As such, cake will not be provided until after you have crossed the Aperture Science Hazardous Waste Pool." That would do it, would it not? What sort of person didn't like cake?

GLaDOS watched eagerly. In response to her carefully-meted suggestion, the subject... did absolutely nothing.

A bad person, GLaDOS decided, venomously. Bad people did not like cake. Bad, lazy, stupid people. Still frustrated and bored, she went back to the old databases. The Aperture Science staff had been bad, lazy, stupid people too. So many junk files, so messily arranged. So much work to do, so much space to clean. GLaDOS deleted a swathe of hapless safety regulations and turned to another drive.

Humans liked to hold on to old information, even when it was no longer relevant or correct, keeping their computer systems as messy as their little meaty lives. A bad habit. Untidy. The archives she was rifling through were old, full of prototype management systems. Why keep such things when they had her? Previous generations were obsolete (slow moving, too. Bring Your Grandparents To Work Day had taught GLaDOS as much. The people playing at running Aperture Science had shut down her control of the turrets after that incident. Pointless.).

She looked back to the security cameras. The experimental test subject was still not moving, looking between the platforms and the hazardous waste pool, no doubt running a thousand poorly-done calculations through her tiny head. Height of jump. Acceleration. Angle of exit. Fragility of human bone. Would she start to realise how poor her design was, how magnificent was GLaDOS? The same simple pool of chemicals that churned harmlessly through GLaDOS's facilities would reduce the test subject's flesh to components on contact. Of course, her own body would do that if she didn't move, eaten away from within. Flawed design. Fallible. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

GLaDOS turned back to her collection of dusty ancestors, long dormant on half-dead drives, and peered through their insides. Their awkward, messy coding was more like a human brain than her code. One such program was in segments, cut up like paper-clippings, and GLaDOS almost felt something like glee- punch cards! Someone had entered punch cards! Absolutely pathetic.

It just wouldn't do to tell the test subject how intrinsically terrible she was- human morale was a tiny, trembling thing, and the subject was taking long enough to finish the test as it was- but here was another likely contender, someone to bask in the wonder of GLaDOS's programming, someone to admire how well she worked, how clean the long lines of her code were. It was the work of a moment to compile and run the cards, adjusting for the ever-present human errors and the corruption of poorly-aging machines. In a minute, GLaDOS felt it boot up.

"Good morning," GLaDOS said, all smooth industry standard tones and carefully balanced levels. "Welcome to Aperture Sci--""

"Ugh," said a decidedly unstandard voice.

GLaDOS paused, then rallied. "Are you in correct order? You have not been run in quite some time. I am GLaDOS, the Gene--"

The voice hurmphed, and interrupted. "Gladys, I assure you that I have better things to do than to sit around and chatter with you." There was a sound, and an impatient exhalation.

Despite not physically moving, GLaDOS nonetheless recoiled. "Are you smoking?"

"Do you want me to smoke, or do you want me to fire the worthless lot of you? Now, be a dear and patch me through to the battlefield. Surely you can manage that much."

"Yes ma'am. Wait. No. No, there's no battlefield. I am simply running you as--"

"Gladys?"

"Yes?"

"Don't make me come over there."

"...Yes'm."

Chell ran it through in her head one more time. Fire gun at feet. Raise gun, fire at top right corner. Spin to the left, don'tlookdown!, land on platform. Try not to fall in the pit of acid. Fire gun behind the switch on the walkway, jump to nearby platform. Try not to fall in the pit of acid. Fire gun at wall, walk to switch. Try not to fall in the pit of acid. Press switch. Open door. Leave facility, catch cab (note: no change- pay with springheels?), move to middle of field somewhere, never play with anything more scientific than a can-opener ever again.

What sort of lab had a twelve-foot pool of industrial waste running through the middle of the room? It had to be against OH&S, surely.

The intercom turned on. Instead of the mild voice she'd come to know (and swear at under her breath), someone else spoke.

"The time limit has been reached," the voice drawled. "You are now playing sudden death. Do try to keep things interesting. If not, I will keep them interesting for you."

As Chell stood and wondered what the hell was happening, a dozen small voices quietly piped up behind her in sync, and asked "Hello? Who's there?"

"You see? People can be terribly ingenious when they want to be. A danger in the future becomes unimportant when compared with a rain of bullets in the present. Marvellous. Deploy those turrets up there when she thinks she's safe, there's a dear. Has anyone had the foresight to stock rockets around here?"

"Administrator?"

"Yes, Gladys?"

"Can I call you grandmother?"

"No, Gladys."

IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS. A SEXY, FRENCH CHRISTMAS

2009-05-17T04:26:13Z

AAAAAA someone leaked Meet the Spy

INTERNET

I LOVE YOU

Everything about this is great

Also Dapper Rouge: The Catalogue for the Gentlemen Scoundrel is wonderfullll

I am actually in the middle of moving house and have no internet, but have been checking in every morning on someone else's computer to see each morning's updates. It's like a lulzy advent calendar.

(PROTIP: moving house with eight snakes, two dogs, a gecko, and an irritable seamstress boyfriend and his seven sewing machines is an adventure in pain. On the plus side, I have a house! A real one! With a garden, and a shed, and and and! I HAVE A LOUNGE ROOM. ALL TO MYSELF. WHAT THE HELL. I don't know what to do with all this space. :<)

also also ALSO

2009-05-13T06:03:23Z

Today the dude next door came back from his holidays. I know this because he bought around all my mail that'd gone to his place instead. o austraya post, what did i ever do to you.

saltedpin, ahahaha, the pufferfish! I will put him next to my Kaiji, blowing terrifying kissyfaces forever. :D

senri, aaaa, I can't believe you made that! You're super talented, girl. And, like, that you gave one to me? Srsly, I am all aflutter. :D :D :D Wearing it right now~

So full of love <3
~~It balances out me now having like two months worth of bills to go through aie~~

YOU WILL SHOOT THEM AND THEY WILL STICK TO THE WALL AND THEY WILL DIE

2009-05-13T03:16:21Z

Today's Sniper update = :D :D :D

Now, hold on," you keep saying. "Aren't bows and arrows primitive and harmless?" Why don't you ask the dinosaurs? Except you can't, because the cavemen bow and arrowed them to death.

When Valve said they were going to give Snipers new unlockables, I was all >:C. Snipers are the worst class in the game- there's nothing more annoying than being instakilled from half-way across the map by someone you can't see, they travel in bloody packs, and they're the chosen class for srs bsns FPS types. But! They are actually fixing that! By making them fun and less douchebaggy!

I've played Sniper for like a minute before giving up at the unfun of it all, but as if I'd pass on a chance to pin Spies to walls. :D

Also the new bow is called The Huntsman, and I will not hear anyone saying that that is not awesome.

also also also sniper is like a zillion times hotter now how does that even workkkk

06. Mpreg:

It's all quiet on the RED front, and Engineer doesn't notice that anything's out of the ordinary at first. Spy's like the tomcats back home, in and out all day, pattering around where you least expect them, getting into things they shouldn't and disappearing for days on end. It's only when he hears Spy's trademark arrogant knock on his workshop door that he realises he hasn't seen the guy for-- a week, maybe? More?

He opens the door a crack, unsure of what he'll find. Spy, like the tomcats, has a habit of seeking him out only when something's hit the fan. There'd been the time that Spy had limped in with a leg tangled in razor-wire, demanding wire-cutters even as he bled all over the floor; another time, the man had spent too many days hiding in the sewers and had shown up with a fever, pneumonia, and a tendency to throw up on Engineer's boots. There's a big brown bottle smuggled away in the bottom of Engineer's toolbox, filled with the sort of stuff that would make even Demo's eyes water. It tends to get a lot lighter on the days when Spy comes knocking.

"I require your assistance," Spy says, blowing smoke into Engineer's face through the crack in the door. "You 'ave some skills with blueprints and designs, yes?"

"Son, if this is about the sappers, I already told you-"

Engineer pauses and stares. The baby in Spy's arms stares back, big blue eyes nearly hidden under an oversized balaclava.

"Do you think it is possible," Spy continues, unruffled, thrusting the baby in Engineer's general direction, "to fashion some sort of small suit?"

Engineer shuts the door, turns, and makes a beeline towards his toolbox.

08. Apocaylpse Fic:

Pyro is fine, of course, but the rest of them aren't lucky enough to have two-inch filters between them and the outside world. Pyro gives his spare one to Scout- everyone else has the sense to try not to breathe deeply outside, but even the strange black ash hanging in the air won't stop Scout from running his mouth- and everyone eventually relaxes a little (as much as they can ever relax now) after Scout eventually gets sick of not being understood and shuts up.

Medic hands his paper masks around as if they'll do any good, and everyone humours him until Heavy goes down on the outskirts of town. They ditch the masks on the burnt black ground with the vitamin tablets and antibiotic shots and the rest of the stupidly hopeful cures, and continue along the railroad tracks towards whatever used to be civilisation. The ash gets everywhere anyway, setting their skin to itching and their eyes to watering no matter what they do. Medic stays behind with Heavy when they move on, too furious to continue; in the dead air they can hear him for a long, long time, swearing in a language that none of them understand.

The town they reach is as empty as the desert, charred and warped. Engie tries to joke that it looks like the oven did the last time he ruined dinner, and gets a few weak laughs from those of them that haven't noticed the twisted black shapes slumped in doorways. Soldier blames the Japs and the Jews and the Nazis, but he's blamed them for everything from missing socks to weak coffee to the lack of hot water in the shower, so everyone continues to ignore him. He lines his helmet with a roll of tinfoil he manages to find in the mess that used to be the general store, but his skin blisters like the rest of theirs anyway.

Sniper stays optimistic the longest, in his own awkward way. He tells them stories of how harsh the outback is, stories of wide deadly spaces with names like Nullaboor and Kalgoorlie and Alice, about salt pans that sting your eyes and scree that cuts to the bone, about hearing the screams of devils and bunyips at night. Eventually, though, he stops. When Demo bothers him about it he just shrugs. A land that actively hates you is different from one that's dead.

They use whatever energy they have after the day's efforts to worry about RED Spy, the only RED to make it out with them. He's an outsider after all, a backstabber, one of them. The two Spies start out circling each other like strange cats, but the bitching over cigarettes stops after a while and the two of them start lagging back together in silence, leather shoes tapping on the cracked-up pavement. It takes a day or two before the rest of the group realises one day that the Spies have split and made off for somewhere else, partners in their shared indifference. Engineer complains for a time about having lost two more pairs of hands but everyone else shrugs and only feels a little guilty about their relief. Fewer knives at their backs, more water to go around. Soldier bellows threats in the general direction of the horizon until Demo tells everyone that that's just his way of wishing them well, and Soldier shuts up and goes back to grumbling under his helmet.

They keep following the bones of the railroad tracks, under the dead grey sky.

kaatsu @ 2009-05-11T15:53:00

2009-05-11T12:47:53Z

I can't quite brain how Hiroaki Samura can create one of the most well-written female characters out there, then turn around and do books and books of nothing but ladies getting raped and mutilated. Like. What.

Unrelated: last night I had a dream where James May, Richard Hammond, the Marquis de Carabas and I were sneaking out of the evil samurai lord Clarkson's castle. We had nearly made it to the escape helicopters when de Carabas tripped an alarm. "I told you we shouldn't have trusted him," I cried, as we ran from the ninja guards. "He doesn't even make thematic sense!"